Step-Grandmothers... Is there such a thing?

The only grandmother I ever knew was not related to me by blood. I was aware of that because she was talked about in front of me in a disparaging way... She was never forgiven for having been grampa's housekeeper before they married.

I grew up hearing "Lil... this", and "Lil that...", all petty picking at everything Lil did that even a small child recognizes as unfair critizism.

However, despite the disharmony, my grandmother took a real interest in me, and many of the moral lessons I learned during my childhood were learned from her. She was a strong woman who, in her 70's, still cooked wonderful meals every day that make me marvel, now that I am almost that age. I don't know how she did it! Her house was immaculate, all of their clothes were starched and ironed daily, and most important... she listened to me!

She forgave me for peeing on her shoes one day when I was riding with her and grampa, and I just "had" to "go". "Going" on the side of a deserted country road, with her standing close to shield my 5 year old modesty turned out to be a bad decision. I still remember her immaculatly polished white shoes with the pretty "cutouts" in the leather, that showed her stockinged feet in their lacy design. I was horrified when I inadvertantly sprayed on those feet, but my grandmother found a way to make it all right.

She and Grampa moved from Niagara Falls, New York to Fowlerville, New York when I was about five. I remember all the resentfull remarks made about this move, but even then I understood my grandparents wanting to get away from family problems and live in peace.

(The Home in Fowlerville)

Luckily, in addition to family visits, I was allowed to go there for a couple of weeks alone each summer. They lived in the country and there was the "hardship" of using a "chamber pot" at night, and the smelly outhouse during the day. Balance that with getting away from the chaos I was raised in, I will choose to use an outhouse every time!

Instead of listening to my parents and siblings argue at night, I got to sit peacefully on a country porch with my grandparents before bed. Cleaned up by grandma and in pajamas and bathrobe, we listened to the crickets. There was little conversation... they sat and rocked, and I enjoyed looking at the stars and being happy. It was a secure time!

Grampa had a garden he tended, and "manly" chores that he performed. Of German heritage, he performed his duties with thoroughness, and without fanfare. There were fresh vegetables on the table every day, prepared by my grandmother.... usually in serving bowls with cream on them.

Grandma also had a reputation for having a "green thumb". Everyone in that little village of Fowlerville who had a plant they were giving up on brought it to my grandmother. She usually managed to bring the plant back to life for them.

Sometimes she could only save one leaf....but that was all she seemed to need. She didn't have access to modern, fancy fertilizers... but she knew where the "good" soil in the garden was. First, she would "root" the leaf in water, then she planted it in a pot with her special mix of soil.

The inside of her kitchen window with it's stands filled with plants looked like a botanical garden... She told me that this was where the "right" sun came in to nourish the plants.

She also canned for the winter in her "summer kitchen" on a huge, old fashioned wood-fired stove. There was always home-preserved jelly on the breakfast table. Oh my gosh... it was there every day!

My favorite jelly was her currant jelly, and I had a part in it. She said "If you want more, all you have to do is pick the currants for me." So I would go way out back to the currant bush and pick the currants... and viola! The next morning there would be a fresh batch of currant jelly made. She made everything look easy.

I never saw her lose her temper and I never heard her complain. She was a wonderful woman and grampa was lucky to have her.

When grampa died, grandma just went away and I never saw her again. I asked my mother about her, and could never get her address to even write to her. I will never know if she wrote to me.... now I suspect she did...

Flashing from 1952 to 2009, I was sitting with an Aunt in Niagara Falls, who was kind enough to give me some old family photos. She casually mentioned that some photos of me had been in "Lil's things".... I knew my Aunts and Uncles went to Florida when Lil passed away, and took care of her estate... but I didn't think of it until I saw the old photos.

I suddenly realized that grandma didn't forget about me! I had gone all those years thinking that maybe I said or did the wrong thing and had offended her and that's why I didn't hear from her.... Now here was proof that she did care, and did think about me, because she kept those photos of me until the day she died.

I said, "Oh she didn't forget about me. I always felt bad that I never heard from her after grampa died and she moved to Florida."

My Aunt looked at me with surprise and said, "Oh, that wouldn't be proper, a relationship between and old lady, and a young girl..."

I looked at her in shock and said, "But she was my grandmother!"

Then my Aunt looked at me, all of a sudden understanding.... that the woman who was just my "grampa's wife Lil", and someone the family only tolerated because they had to, had connected with someone in the family in a meaningful way. "Lil" may have been looked down upon by all of them, but she was looked up to by me.

She had a lot of beauty, value and depth as a person and I am glad I had her in my life. My only regret is that I did not talk to anyone in my family about grandma until now. I know my Aunt would have given me my grandma's address, and I would have loved for grandma to know that I did care about her, after all she did for me.

So all of you people out there who have parents who are remarried, and you don't like who they are married to, tough! .... Your children just might benefit by learning to respect a grandparent, despite blood ties.

Don't give your children a "grandma" or "grampa" and then think you can erase them from their hearts when it's convenient for you. When a grandparent takes an interest in your children, it's a gift. Treat that gift and that family member with respect.

Is there such a thing as a "step-grandmother"? Only if she doesn't want to give the gift of her time and love...

Goodbye for now from that Wild Old Lady in Florida who still loves her "Step-Grandmother" and calls her "grandma"! hah...