At The Hairdressers.. How To Make a Fool Out of Yourself... and it gets worse!

Every day I find new conversational subjects that are better avoided... and I add them to my "list"....

At my hairdresser's I found yet another one... namely what bodily function is triggered at the moment of death...! (Details to follow...)

So that subject has now been added to the "delete" section of my conversational repertoire, along with...

The story of my husband's "viagra experience";

Any "political" opinions that don't agree with Glen Beck;

My agreement with 98% of the World's Scientists about global warming (a real "no-no" in Florida!);

And I never hint that any of us is going to die... Ever!

So in this land of eternal life, perfection, and denial, I just had to tread on the taboo subject of unwanted bodily functions... and by combining it with death, I really "asked for" the Tampa Bay Indian Voodo Curse to crash down upon my empty head!

How did this happen? Hah... A "take-over" by the idiot part of me, that irrepressable "Extrovert" who wants to be "part of the gang" and "participate" in group conversations!...

Add to that the moron part of my psyche that wants to impress strangers with the "font" of knowledge that is crammed in my cerebrum... (Why, what a shame to not share my rare intelligence with common folk!)

So there I sat at my hairdressers with a group of five 80 year old ladies who were having their hair done. While I sat, waiting for my "wash", they jovially talked about making/not making their bed in the morning, and their personal grooming habits. (I almost nodded off, and now regret not doing so.)

A nice group, they smiled at me, making me feel as though I were "included".... (A Mistake!... And as far as I am concerned, part of my disaster is their fault!)

RULE #1: Don't ever make an idiot feel welcome!

Then one of them began the fiasco by stating; "My mother always told me to be sure when leaving the house that I have clean underwear on, because you never know if you might get in an auto accident."

(Sweet, knowing smiles all around...)

There was a small gap in the conversation! Aha... I could jump in with a "pearl of wisdom"....

So I said, "Oh, it doesn't matter if your underpants are clean or not, because everyone _____'s their underpants when they die!"

I smiled my idiot smile but was stunned to see my hairdresser stop in "mid-tease" of white hair... the comb poised in mid-air as though she was considering throwing it at me....

Though my sharply honed intuition grasped that I might have said something wrong, and my "Repressed Personality" was struggling to stuff a rag in my mouth, and force me to crawl into a corner, my "Over-Inflated Ego" clung to control, determined to do damage control.... (Oh, I could "save" this situation... hah)

Into the silence I continued re-assuringly, trying to sound like a calm, reasonable, mentally well-balanced person (Sometimes this works!...)

"I was actually told this by the wife of a well-known funeral director in New York State." (There, everyone knows how smart people are in New York State!)

Well, whoops...!!! A lot of people in the south think the people from New York State are obnoxious "know-it-alls!" Go Figure! (Make a mental note... no more references to New York State...)

More Silence and Astonished Looks.... the comb was alarmingly still poised in the air and began to look like a cudgel.....

"Although this lady was very well-to-do," ... I continued to my audience of ladies who eked out a living on Social Security and part-time Walmart greeter jobs.... "she said that when she met someone who thought they were better than her, she pictured them in her husband's morturary, laying on a slab, with their pants messed!"

Still Silence, and the threatening appearance of narrowed eyelids.... (The looks in their eyes told me they were all imagining me laid out on a morturary slab, in New York State, with my stupid underpants messed.)

"And that image always made her feel better...." I finished, realizing that the hole I dug for myself extended all the way to New York State and I was teetering on the edge, big mouth open....

Luckily nobody was packing a gun, so my hairdresser grabbed me and vigorously washed my hair... the heretofore animated ladies lost interest in further conversation, and on my way out, I upped my tip from $5.00 to $10.00.... insuring I would be able to return to get my hair done again....

Oh, and Now my hairdresser always gives me a really great magazine to read as soon as I get in the door!

So.... making a fool out of myself wasn't a total loss! I now am privvy to the best magazines in Florida!

Keep smiling my love, and don't quit talking.... However bad you think you are.... someone else is worse! Happy Day!

Love from that wild old lady in Florida :)