Why Lawyers Think We Are Idiots

Lawyers think we are idiots because we let them get away with so much. The truth is they have sooo much power that what can we do if we feel they have not taken care of us properly? Sue them?

They have three goals during their relationship with you:

#1- To get your business,
#2- To take care of your business, with as little effort on their part as possible,
#3- Then to wrap up your business in a manner that leaves you thinking you won:

I call their methods:

"The Hook" -
"The Wait" - and
"The Fake Victory Celebration"

"The Hook".... You go to a lawyers office with a grievance and potential lawsuit. You want to assess his knowledge and skill, but you won't have a clue until it's all over.... (Nah, nah nah, nah, naaa!)

...Disclaimer: I opt to use the male gender for this example.... but, Yes, I know that women are also lawyers! We had one who failed us miserably! If she had reeked of urine in her office like she did in court, we wouldn't have hired her! Maybe she peed her pants because she knew how incompetant (Incontinent?) she was... but I thought everyone knew about "Depends".

Well, you sit there in your "Sunday Best", across from the legal "whiz", trying not to look like a guppie fish with it's mouth wide open, ready to gulp down the bait. While you describe your problem at this "free consultation", the lawyer makes notes on his yellow "legal pad".... (Hah! They even have a name for their tablet!)

Though he appears to be concentrating on our problem, I am aware at that moment that he is assessing my Corky and me.

I am acutely aware that we come across like a couple of "easy marks"... Between Corky's hardening of the arteries and my dyslexic/moron complex, we appear to be similar to, but not as intelligent as Frank and Marie Barrone in "Everyone Loves Raymond" ...

Participating in these consultations is like you know you are drowning, but hope the lifeguard #1 - Cares about you and #2 - is Competent.

But, even being aware of this, we always fall for the "Hook". The "Hook" is when the lawyer, this bastion of rightousness, leaps to his feet and begins loudly expounding on the merits of your complaint. His voice is strong and sure, and your feeling that you are in the "right" solidifies. Your confidence soars! Yes, you were wronged...! You deserve restitution! You need this avenger to lead the way!

You are "Hooked"!!!!

So your complaint turns into a case... pay the retainer and now comes the dreaded "Wait"....

"The Wait"

This part of the legal "process" is comparable to letting meat marinate. A piece of meat is selected after it was killed and butchered, ... mmmm Then spices and some nasty liquids are added, and it's sealed up and left to ferment until it's "ready".

Yes, that's what the lawyers do.... They marinate you, then let you just ferment! They tell you that you have to wait for this and that... blah, blah... but in reality they are probably just taking their wives to dinner, and practicing their golf putt with the set kept in their office closet. (It takes a few minutes to put it away... Ever wonder why you don't get into their office on time?)

I have never seen a lawyer with red eyes, from reading documents all night. I have never seen a lawyer wear a cheap suit, or express the confidence during "The Wait" that he expressed during "The Hook"....

But... during "The Wait" the lawyer will begin to express doubts about your case... Key phrases to worry about are "It's not a Slam-Dunk", "We aren't out of the woods yet", and "You can't hit a home run every time!"

Translation.... You're probably screwed, and in the most common athletic terms!

So during "The Wait" your confidence is shaken, and you keep on paying for paperwork and "research"...

Regarding "Research"... You hired them because they convinced you that they knew the law by heart and you had a "case". Now they have to do "research"? But what can you do at this point? Drop them and start over? Oh, you know you have to "wait"... The Wheels of Justice grind slowly (over your dead body).... Oh sure! Who makes the laws that makes this "slow grind" possible? .... Why, the "law-makers"! Doesn't that just make you feel giddy?

Ok, you've been "Marinated" during "The Wait", now on to "The Fake Victory Celebration"....

At the end of three years of stress, Corky and I had the dreaded "Fake Victory Celebration" in our lawyers office where we were talked into a settlement that equalled what we had spent on this lawyer.... I think Corky actually thought he "won", but I knew better. The lawyer easily put a good face on it... why not? The lawyer was the one who actually "won"....

We were hooked, marinated, barbequed, then actually partook in the celebration for it to end!

It happens every day, my friend, so pick your lawyer with care! There are some intelligent, honest ones with ethics out there!

But here's where I win! I enjoy every day without malice or cunning thoughts towards anyone.... Also, if I have an axe to "grind", I can write about it! hah ... It's such a light and easy load to carry.

So just know there is a wild old lady in Florida who laughs about "whatever" and has fun writing and creating art!

What a wonderful life, my friend!.... hah... :)